Bullshit.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

What is?

My parents want me to move back to my old room.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. There's also nothing wrong with staying in my sister's room too, is it?

Yeap. So what's the fuss?

The fuss is that my dad fails to give me a good reason why I should move back. He says he's gonna rent out my sister's room.

Why can't he rent out your room?

Because my sister's room fetches a higher price?

Um, okay. What about your comfort?

That's where the problem lies. I wanna stay in this room. For as long as I can, before my sister comes back.

What do you feel from all this?

I feel like they're disrespecting me as their son, that I can't even choose the room I want to sleep in.

Why do you feel this way?

Because it shows they don't put much thought about my needs?

Is that really a big issue?

I don't know, what do you think?

Well, you can tell them that you really like your sister's room, and since she's not coming back anytime soon, there's really no good reason to move out of there.

What about the money issue?

Ah, yes... it's always about the money issue.

Well if they want the money so badly, i'd rather move out.

And where are you going to stay?

In a shophouse with Sam? haha.

Sounds good doesn't it?

Does sound good, only thing is I only know her for a month...

What's the problem?

Don't you think I should get to know her better?

Yeah you should.

But I can't take this, where are my human rights, oh lord.

Keep fighting for them.

"Nothing in life is easy."

Do you feel indignant?

Yes.

Do you think it's an understandable feeling.

Yes.

Do you think your mother will ever understand how you feel?

No.

---- ---

No, huh.

Nope.

Primary Carbohydrates

I drank a whole bottle of Ribena and I loved it.

Is it really that good?

No, but it provided alot of sugars for my brain to burn.

Are you trying to say you should drink more of these things?

I'm saying it's possible I need these drinks to function at a higher level.

Don't you think you might get addicted to them in a bad way?

For the sake of higher brain function, I think it's worth it.

That's what most musicians/drug addicts say.

I'm an artist, that's not too far off.

On the other hand, I feel positively troubled.

How come? What happened?

I don't know, alot of stuff on my mind as usual.

You think the interview tomorrow is stressing you out? Providing a source of anxiety, perhaps?

I'd like to think not, but it's highly possible. After all, Sandra has made it clear, there is a normal tolerance level for stress and I think the addition of the interview just blew the threshold level.

How would you feel if he won't give the job to you?

I'll feel pretty useless, and full of regrets.

What kind of regrets?

Regrets that I didn't at least try to complete foundation year in LaSalle.

Sean, it's a simple case of you living too much in the present. If you had known you were gonna have some use for your talent, you wouldn't let yourself fall from grace like this.

You think so?

Absolutely. How long have I known you?

I don't remember. How long?

A good 10 years at least...

---- ---

What have you accomplished over the past 10 years?

Nothing...

That's not true, Sean. You developed your writing skills, you developed a voice, you developed some attitude, you developed some character. Not every accomplishment deserves a huge prize, and not every accomplishment needs one.

You have to love yourself more.

"Nothing in life is easy."

What the world needs now,

is a jazz singer like me.

Like you? What the fuck can you sing? Hahaha, don't be media fodder, please.

I've always had a dream of performing on stage, with people actually liking my singing. Preferably, really appreciating my voice.

Your voice is nothing special, maybe you should drink some bleach?

And end up sounding like a 5-year old goat? No thanks.

Why not smoke more?

Like Buble?

Yeah, you know, smoking does change your voice.

Smoking destroys the voice!

That's for jealous singers to say...

But isn't there some truth in it? I can feel that my voice isn't as crystal clear as it used to be, must be the years of abuse and making strange noises.

Probably...

Hey dude, I can definitely hold a tune, alright?

Yeah I know that, but that's about it, Sean. You really gotta put in some effort.

Like the performance I saw today at Orchard Central? She was pretty amazing.

Yeah she is. You definitely need more exposure, and more cojones.

Do I not have enough courage to perform on stage?

You have the courage to be up there, but then you start singing like a sissy and doubting yourself in the middle of the song.

Practice makes perfect!

Glad you know that! You need more practice!

Shit... so many things to do.

"Nothing in life is easy."

---- ---

By the way, do you think you should post a monologue when you have alot to say?

I could, but long entries are tiring on the eye.

Aren't you writing this for yourself?

As much as I'd like to, writings are meant to be read.

Yeah, you're the reader.

Well, okay. I'll keep that in mind.

Alright.

Getting the shit together

Yeah, so, I heard you're gonna brush the dirt off your shoulders, and do something about your life?

Yeah, I plan to make calls to Datok Sufian and hope he hooks me up with opportunities to teach children some art.

I also heard it pays pretty good?

Yeah, so I've heard too.

Are you excited?

I'm nervous, yet thrilled, to know that I can pass on some of the stuff I've learnt. I'm just afraid the kids don't take it seriously, and then it'll be a sad case of playing chess with the opposite chair.

Haha, witty aren't you?

I'd like to think so!

Good, keep it up. You'll be witty someday.

Thanks....

Stop fearing so much, Sean.

"You don't have to fear. Fears will come to you."

That's right.

There's not much to fear is it! They're just kids! Surely I can find some kid who's interested enough!

That's the spirit, kid!

"You're not alone, kid."

Haha.

I'm not all dark clouds and thunderstorms.

Yes you're not.

We're not.

No I am a pretty gloomy person.

Wait, now I can't tell the difference. Which one are you, the left or right brain?

I don't know either, does it matter?

Yeah it does!

Why? At least you know it's two voices talking.

You think there will be a third voice?

Maybe, but I don't hear it.

Hmm...

---- ---

Hello guys.

Who are you?

Yeah who are you?

I'm the third voice, the voice of fuck-this-world-and-all-its-silly-antics.

How about having a nice hot cup of shut the fuck up?

Yeah, you could really use one. With a cube of brown sugar and a scone.

Get lost, third voice.

---- ---

Wow, this is getting tiring.

Yeah, it is huh? Even typing out what we think can be such a chore.

But it's never a chore! I don't remember the last time someone got tired of talking about themselves.

But, you're talking TO yourself, now THAT, is a different soccer league.

...

Whatever the case, the most important thing is, you're doing something that makes you happy.

Yeah, this really makes me happy, I'm just typing, and typing, and typing, not a care in a world, letting my whims express themselves in the form of furious fingers and self-indulgence.

You really don't care about what other people think about this? What if people found it weird?

So? Are they going to deny me of one of the simple pleasures in life? Talking to myself? Really? Are people so cruel?

Some people are.

Well I don't give a fuck, and so shouldn't you.

You can't please everyone, right?

Yeah...

Speaking of which, why did you ever want to please everyone?

Maybe because, I never discovered the art of pleasing myself?

Hmm, maybe.

But maybe you already knew how, just that, you couldn't find a convenient avenue.

But to please myself out of convenience, isn't that a little too...

Too...

Convenient? I mean, sometimes you really gotta go out of your way just to feel better.

But if it's convenient, you'll feel better about yourself more often.

Good point, man!

Okay, I think you need to lie down...

You too... thanks for the talk.

Yeah, sure.

Good night, see you soon!

"Now I can't wait to see you!"

EW, you don't say stuff like that to your other brain!

Why not??? I really enjoy talking to you.

Okay... but... whatever makes you happy yeah.

"DAMN RIGHT! Lol"

Shut up, good night.

Smoking

I feel like having a cigarette.

I need to have a cigarette.

I feel like buying a pack.

But I don't need a pack, I need a stick.

Maybe if I bought a pack, I can ration it over the next few days to smoothen the quitting process.

I know that's not going to happen.

But I don't need a pack, I just need one stick, just for tonight.

Sean, you're really weak.

Yes, I am weak.

And you're not going to do anything about it?

Should I? I'm weak anyways. It doesn't prove anything if I can will myself not to smoke.

Maybe you never thought about this will as a muscle that you can train, to help you in your sorry, sad life?

Nope, maybe it's not a matter of will, it's a matter of me not wanting to quit that badly in the first place.

If you knew the next stick will kill you, will you stop smoking immediately?

Depends on how suicidal I am.

I still feel like smoking.

What about Sam's Chupa-chups? Won't they help?

They did help, but only for a while.

What am I going to do with you? What would people think of you? You can't even keep a promise for yourself!

And it's not just about your integrity or your willpower! Your health, Sean!

I'm dying anyways.

Still feel like having a stick.

Just one stick... please.

Sean, that's really weak.

I know, stop telling me things I already know.

I can feel the chemicals in my brain waging a war. It literally feels like one side is arguing with the other.

Two distinct voices, one big quarrel.

Like the angel and the devil, but not quite.

Never had an angelic side to me, and never was too evil to be considered devilish.

But that's just my opinion.

The angelic side is winning, for now.

Damn, I feel like smoking!

Fight, Sean, fight!

I'm about to cry.

Then cry! Let it out! But keep fighting!

Who's this voice that keeps telling me to fight?

I don't know who, but he's doing you good!

Or is he?

Yes he is, undoubtedly!

Why is it so hard?

"Nothing in life is easy."

But, but, but....

NO BUTS!

NO CIGARETTE BUTTS TOO!

Stop reminding me.

Sean, Sean, Sean.

"Quit smiling, you're too charming."

Now I feel like showering.

Why not you take a shower and then see how much you feel like smoking after?

If you had 10 dollars, and you had to choose between a pack of cigarettes and 5 bottles of mineral water, and you know you will need that water over the next few days, which would you buy?

Of course I'd buy the water!

So you don't need the cigarettes, you just want them.

Yeah, I want them.

But you can't always have what you want, Sean.

Why not, when it's 10 dollars away?

That 10 dollars could mean alot more in the future!

I don't wanna look so far!

What does 10 dollars mean to you now? A few meals?

Yeah, or a pack of cigarettes. But I don't need a pack! I want a stick for tonight.

Would you want that every night?

I think so.

How disciplined are you to limit yourself to one stick a night?

Not very?

Then you don't deserve it.

I'm gonna shower, then make a decision.

---- ---

So what's your decision?

I'm still yearning for a stick.

Sean, you suck.

Yeah I know.

What to do, what to do...

You just need to stop thinking about smoking and go to sleep.

What about tomorrow?

Same deal, son. Sleep it off, like you did today. You were fine the whole day when you were with Sam, weren't you?

Yeah, but there were some moments where I really felt like having a puff. And all those suppressed feelings are being let out now, when I am alone, when there is less incentive for me to not smoke.

Incentives, incentives. You're like a fucking kid, needing an incentive to do things. When will you do things just because you want to? What happened to intrinsic motivation? Fucking loser.

I dunno, guess I never had intrinsic motivation for things like these.

Things like these? You don't have intrinsic motivation for ALOT OF THINGS!

Yeah...

I'm glad you fucking know! Now do something about it!

Stop scolding me any more.

You fucking deserve it, you fucking loser!

Sigh... yeah I am a loser, so what?

So what? That's it. End of show? You don't wanna change that?

I just need a smoke, what's so loser-ish about that?

EVERYTHING, SEAN! YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL YOURSELF TO STOP HAVING SOMETHING YOU DON'T EVEN NEED! HOW WILL YOU EVER TELL YOURSELF TO REALLY WANT SOMETHING IN THE LONG RUN? DON'T YOU GET IT?

But if i want cigarettes now, I can get it.

You're missing the point. You're giving in to instant gratification.

So?

So? That's damn weak. It's no wonder you're like this now. Fucking jobless, no goals in life. Don't even dare to live your dream. You end up living a lie instead.

Still feel like smoking?

Yeap.

Weak.

Why don't you just go to bed and forget about sleeping?

I'm worried about tomorrow.

Fuck tomorrow if you can't even manage today.

That's true.

---- ---

I lost the battle already, Sean. I bought a pack.

What's your rationale?

My impulsiveness to quit is as destructive as the impulse to smoke, so I've decided to make a more disciplined approach.

So you have a plan?

Nope.

Then what discipline are you talking about? Discipline starts with having a plan!

Well my plan is to hope this pack will ease the transition between smoking and not smoking.

You can't have hope for a plan, Sean. That's like hoping you want to get rich. You don't get rich by hoping.

OK. My plan is, to have a transition from 3 sticks, to 1 stick a day.

You think it's possible?

Highly possible. Then from 1 stick to none.

You think you can keep up!?

I'll try.

Don't try, just do.

I feel like crying again. It's so hard.

"Nothing in life is easy."

Remember what Obama said in his book, the choices you make are never truly yours, and that to assert otherwise is to chase after a sorry sort of freedom.

A sorry sort of freedom indeed.