Smoking

I feel like having a cigarette.

I need to have a cigarette.

I feel like buying a pack.

But I don't need a pack, I need a stick.

Maybe if I bought a pack, I can ration it over the next few days to smoothen the quitting process.

I know that's not going to happen.

But I don't need a pack, I just need one stick, just for tonight.

Sean, you're really weak.

Yes, I am weak.

And you're not going to do anything about it?

Should I? I'm weak anyways. It doesn't prove anything if I can will myself not to smoke.

Maybe you never thought about this will as a muscle that you can train, to help you in your sorry, sad life?

Nope, maybe it's not a matter of will, it's a matter of me not wanting to quit that badly in the first place.

If you knew the next stick will kill you, will you stop smoking immediately?

Depends on how suicidal I am.

I still feel like smoking.

What about Sam's Chupa-chups? Won't they help?

They did help, but only for a while.

What am I going to do with you? What would people think of you? You can't even keep a promise for yourself!

And it's not just about your integrity or your willpower! Your health, Sean!

I'm dying anyways.

Still feel like having a stick.

Just one stick... please.

Sean, that's really weak.

I know, stop telling me things I already know.

I can feel the chemicals in my brain waging a war. It literally feels like one side is arguing with the other.

Two distinct voices, one big quarrel.

Like the angel and the devil, but not quite.

Never had an angelic side to me, and never was too evil to be considered devilish.

But that's just my opinion.

The angelic side is winning, for now.

Damn, I feel like smoking!

Fight, Sean, fight!

I'm about to cry.

Then cry! Let it out! But keep fighting!

Who's this voice that keeps telling me to fight?

I don't know who, but he's doing you good!

Or is he?

Yes he is, undoubtedly!

Why is it so hard?

"Nothing in life is easy."

But, but, but....

NO BUTS!

NO CIGARETTE BUTTS TOO!

Stop reminding me.

Sean, Sean, Sean.

"Quit smiling, you're too charming."

Now I feel like showering.

Why not you take a shower and then see how much you feel like smoking after?

If you had 10 dollars, and you had to choose between a pack of cigarettes and 5 bottles of mineral water, and you know you will need that water over the next few days, which would you buy?

Of course I'd buy the water!

So you don't need the cigarettes, you just want them.

Yeah, I want them.

But you can't always have what you want, Sean.

Why not, when it's 10 dollars away?

That 10 dollars could mean alot more in the future!

I don't wanna look so far!

What does 10 dollars mean to you now? A few meals?

Yeah, or a pack of cigarettes. But I don't need a pack! I want a stick for tonight.

Would you want that every night?

I think so.

How disciplined are you to limit yourself to one stick a night?

Not very?

Then you don't deserve it.

I'm gonna shower, then make a decision.

---- ---

So what's your decision?

I'm still yearning for a stick.

Sean, you suck.

Yeah I know.

What to do, what to do...

You just need to stop thinking about smoking and go to sleep.

What about tomorrow?

Same deal, son. Sleep it off, like you did today. You were fine the whole day when you were with Sam, weren't you?

Yeah, but there were some moments where I really felt like having a puff. And all those suppressed feelings are being let out now, when I am alone, when there is less incentive for me to not smoke.

Incentives, incentives. You're like a fucking kid, needing an incentive to do things. When will you do things just because you want to? What happened to intrinsic motivation? Fucking loser.

I dunno, guess I never had intrinsic motivation for things like these.

Things like these? You don't have intrinsic motivation for ALOT OF THINGS!

Yeah...

I'm glad you fucking know! Now do something about it!

Stop scolding me any more.

You fucking deserve it, you fucking loser!

Sigh... yeah I am a loser, so what?

So what? That's it. End of show? You don't wanna change that?

I just need a smoke, what's so loser-ish about that?

EVERYTHING, SEAN! YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL YOURSELF TO STOP HAVING SOMETHING YOU DON'T EVEN NEED! HOW WILL YOU EVER TELL YOURSELF TO REALLY WANT SOMETHING IN THE LONG RUN? DON'T YOU GET IT?

But if i want cigarettes now, I can get it.

You're missing the point. You're giving in to instant gratification.

So?

So? That's damn weak. It's no wonder you're like this now. Fucking jobless, no goals in life. Don't even dare to live your dream. You end up living a lie instead.

Still feel like smoking?

Yeap.

Weak.

Why don't you just go to bed and forget about sleeping?

I'm worried about tomorrow.

Fuck tomorrow if you can't even manage today.

That's true.

---- ---

I lost the battle already, Sean. I bought a pack.

What's your rationale?

My impulsiveness to quit is as destructive as the impulse to smoke, so I've decided to make a more disciplined approach.

So you have a plan?

Nope.

Then what discipline are you talking about? Discipline starts with having a plan!

Well my plan is to hope this pack will ease the transition between smoking and not smoking.

You can't have hope for a plan, Sean. That's like hoping you want to get rich. You don't get rich by hoping.

OK. My plan is, to have a transition from 3 sticks, to 1 stick a day.

You think it's possible?

Highly possible. Then from 1 stick to none.

You think you can keep up!?

I'll try.

Don't try, just do.

I feel like crying again. It's so hard.

"Nothing in life is easy."

Remember what Obama said in his book, the choices you make are never truly yours, and that to assert otherwise is to chase after a sorry sort of freedom.

A sorry sort of freedom indeed.