I hate myself.

I hate myself for being so easily influenced by others.

I hate myself for sinking so deep into self-delusion, I can't seem to find a way out.

I hate myself for being lazy, stubborn, and unwilling to try.

I hate myself for being an ass to my parents, especially my mom, but I still think she deserves it.

I hate myself for always thinking that my mom single-handedly ruined my life, because it always seems like there's nothing I can do about it, and even if there was, it would take a very long time and a lot of effort and I don't know if it's even worth it.

I hate myself for being so suicidal, although I still see a point in it.

I hate myself for having such a guarded heart.

I hate myself for not sticking to what works for me, and I hate myself for always wanting to "be someone else I'm not".

I hate myself for being scared of what other people really think of me.

I hate myself for always wanting to do things perfectly.

I hate myself for not seeking guidance earlier in my life.

I hate myself for not having any sense of faith in people, although I'm really trying.

I hate myself for being so affected by my mom's lecturing when I was younger. Now I just feel so angry and weak thinking about it, cuz it seems like no matter what I do, I'm still a loser.

I hate myself for always thinking that I'm a loser.

I hate myself for not having consistency in WHATEVER I DO. ANYTHING, WHATEVER, YOU NAME IT.

I hate myself for not being as hardworking as I should/could/wanted to.

I hate myself for needing so little.

I hate myself for always being stuck on the same old questions over and over and over again.

I hate myself for not doing ANYTHING about what I've mentioned above.

I hate myself for thinking that I spent a huge amount of my youth doing something I didn't really want.



And I also hate myself for not realising all of this much earlier.

What's up?

Nothing much... you?

Just listening to you all the time.

How is it?

Boring.

Why?

Because you're always trapped in the same shit.

Why do you say that?

Well aren't you worrying about the same damn things you worried about 5 years ago?

It's different now, isn't it? I'm 5 years older, the game's changed.

Yeah I guess you're right.

FINALLY, I'm able to prove you wrong.

Don't get too happy.

Yeah, speaking of which, I'm kinda frustrated.

Why?

I dont have anything I wanna work toward to. I really really don't. It seems as though I've proven to myself that I can definitely live up to what life throws at me, hence I feel like there's no more purpose, and if life throws at me something I cannot handle, then it's probably not important. I'm caught in a paradox.

Yeah you bloody are.

What should I do then?

Are you sure you are feeling this way all the time, or is it because you aren't working on anything, therefore you feel like you don't have anything to look forward to?

It could be.

I'd say it definitely is. This period of stagnancy is reinforcing your skewed beliefs.

How would you know?

Of course I do, I know everything.

Well, on another note, I feel like I'm always running away from what I'm good at doing. Isn't this strange?

Yeah a little. Your art teacher mentioned it too. People run away from their weaknesses. You run toward them.

Yeah, what the hell.

Maybe you should seek professional help? I think this is really beyond me.

You think?

Erm, it seems like you sorely need a life coach. And frankly my dear Sean, I ain't good enough for the both of us.

But you are always there...

Only to listen and give you advice. I never said I had the power to change your life.

Oh well...

What do you want? Really?

I already have what I want. Which is so strange for a person of my age to say.

Okay besides that? Do you want money?

Not really.

Not really??? Who the fuck is gonna pay for your bills...

Well, then I guess I do want money.

No you're mistaken. You NEED money.

I don't need money... you know that.

I know, but now you have to tell yourself that you need money, and you need lots of it.

Why? I don't need lots of money...

Yes you really do! Think of the things you want to accomplish! The things you can do! The places you can go with all that money!! Putting a price for priceless things! That's what it's all about! And it starts with money!

This is making me sick...

Oh no you don't run away from me now... I'm helping you here. Helping you psyche yourself to want to get your lazy fucking ass out there and do something.

Well, maybe I DON'T want to get out there.

You know that's not true.

What if it is?

This conversation's over.

---- ---

Dammit. Why won't you talk to me?

Cuz you're in a perpetual downward spiral, and I can't talk to you until you get out of it.

Fine.

I am...

upset, and tired.

Can't tell if I'm more upset or tired.

Hope I'll feel better tomorrow.

Let me be, I'll be okay.

I slept...

and I dreamt of you, of us. It was such an intense feeling of pleasure and joy, that I woke up from it, expecting to find you beside me but you weren't there. I guess it must've been a really nice dream even though i couldn't remember the details. That incident happened at 2.00am.

For the next hour, I was struggling with feelings of inadequacy, self-pity, faithlessness, hopelessness, rejection, and even entertaining thoughts of suicide.

On an extremely personal level, There is not a single thing that I want in this world, because I think most people are brought up to want something in life.

Or is it because I already have what I want? A safe home, our wonderful relationship, day-to-day happiness?

Or am I suicidal beyond comprehension, waiting for the next great depressing moment to release me of my fears of suffering and self-harm, and abandoning this mortal ship for good?

I can't explain my lack of drive for things in life. I can definitely explain my drive for excellence, but when it comes to careers, money, plans, I really don't have them. And something tells me I work better without them and I don't really want them.

Is it because of my upbringing? That I wasn't taught by my parents to want something material in life? I feel so clean of material desire, but in this material world, I'm barely keeping afloat.

The big question is, does it bother me? I guess you have your answer, Leslie.

So strange, this tension of opposites.

I really need to love myself more. Now I'm feeling as if I'm quite intrinsically motivated, just that I've been on a path that led me astray for too long, and now I'm finding the way back. All that mad rush for grades... what the fuck for?

What have I got in the end? A brain full of useless knowledge, and a reputation of coming from a good school. But still such a useless douchebag.

I wasn't really free from the clutches of the paper chase. After all, my parents were both graduates. Subconsciously, that would be the way to succeed. They can try all they want to give me opportunities to explore, but when it comes down to the grind, the uphill climb, the part where they step in and say "Stay lit on this less-traveled path", they weren't there.

Can I blame them? Sure. So what happens after that? More self-pity?

I was telling myself, I cannot let Sam know about what I'm feeling right now, because she will definitely love me less. But I think you will find out anyways. Delaying the inevitable is becoming my specialty.

I hope these are just mood swings. I've never felt so defeated in a long time, and I hope it's the nagging cigarette craving.

Fuck I feel so destroyed.

If you're reading this, bear with me darling. I think it's just mood swings.

But I really can't help feeling destroyed.

Can't wait till the next time till we hug.