I slept...

and I dreamt of you, of us. It was such an intense feeling of pleasure and joy, that I woke up from it, expecting to find you beside me but you weren't there. I guess it must've been a really nice dream even though i couldn't remember the details. That incident happened at 2.00am.

For the next hour, I was struggling with feelings of inadequacy, self-pity, faithlessness, hopelessness, rejection, and even entertaining thoughts of suicide.

On an extremely personal level, There is not a single thing that I want in this world, because I think most people are brought up to want something in life.

Or is it because I already have what I want? A safe home, our wonderful relationship, day-to-day happiness?

Or am I suicidal beyond comprehension, waiting for the next great depressing moment to release me of my fears of suffering and self-harm, and abandoning this mortal ship for good?

I can't explain my lack of drive for things in life. I can definitely explain my drive for excellence, but when it comes to careers, money, plans, I really don't have them. And something tells me I work better without them and I don't really want them.

Is it because of my upbringing? That I wasn't taught by my parents to want something material in life? I feel so clean of material desire, but in this material world, I'm barely keeping afloat.

The big question is, does it bother me? I guess you have your answer, Leslie.

So strange, this tension of opposites.

I really need to love myself more. Now I'm feeling as if I'm quite intrinsically motivated, just that I've been on a path that led me astray for too long, and now I'm finding the way back. All that mad rush for grades... what the fuck for?

What have I got in the end? A brain full of useless knowledge, and a reputation of coming from a good school. But still such a useless douchebag.

I wasn't really free from the clutches of the paper chase. After all, my parents were both graduates. Subconsciously, that would be the way to succeed. They can try all they want to give me opportunities to explore, but when it comes down to the grind, the uphill climb, the part where they step in and say "Stay lit on this less-traveled path", they weren't there.

Can I blame them? Sure. So what happens after that? More self-pity?

I was telling myself, I cannot let Sam know about what I'm feeling right now, because she will definitely love me less. But I think you will find out anyways. Delaying the inevitable is becoming my specialty.

I hope these are just mood swings. I've never felt so defeated in a long time, and I hope it's the nagging cigarette craving.

Fuck I feel so destroyed.

If you're reading this, bear with me darling. I think it's just mood swings.

But I really can't help feeling destroyed.

Can't wait till the next time till we hug.