Sean, Sean, Sean, Sean....

Sean, just shut the fuck up and answer your own damn questions.

What the fuck is wrong with you? What did I do to you?

You did a stupidity trick on me, that's what.

What's wrong with asking questions?

What's wrong with not asking and then having a little bit of decency to find out?

But what's wrong with telling me the answers then?

You fucking know what's wrong! You're just fucking lazy to find them out for yourself!

But you know the answer, why don't you just tell me?

People get tired of answering questions too you know!

And I don't get tired of asking them? Sometimes I wish I knew everything in the world so I won't have to ask you and get fired at.

Maybe you should start talking like you know everything in the world, so I will never find out.

Maybe you should just shut the fuck up and get out of the left side of my brain, I'd rather have a new brain than to keep you.

Or maybe you should just get smarter and be totally self-reliant for once. Just shut the fuck up, and not ask. Just do it yourself. Saves alot of trouble.

Where's the humanity in you, Sean?

I don't know, Sean. You tell me.

So I'm not very knowledgeable right now, so what's the big deal? It's just a matter of time, right?

Well it's not happening quick enough for you so that's a really big problem don't you think?

Why is that a problem? Everyone's got their own learning pace!

You're just slow, and you know it. You're just fucking slow.

I'm quick in other ways!

But slow in ways that are necessary in this goddamn cruel world! You have to be cut-throat! You have to be quick! You have to be knowledgeable! You have to want to be better than average! You have to be the motherfucking best!

What if I don't want to?

Then START WANTING! ENOUGH SAID!

How do I start?

You start by lying to yourself.

How can I lie to myself?

Oh that's easy, I'm sure you are most familiar with that.

So how, Sean? Explain it.

Just tell yourself you are dumb as shit, and you need to work hard and do everything yourself, and you need to be smarter, and you need to work twice as hard as everyone else, and you need to be twice as smart as everyone else. YOU NEED TO BE SMART AND HARDWORKING AND CUT-THROAT.

Why do you sound so hateful?

Because the world is created by love, but the world spins on hate. You have to hate yourself to learn to love yourself.

And after all this, I still don't want to be all that?

Then maybe you have a problem living in the real world. Simple as that.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm doing fine.

Fine is not fine enough, Sean. You have to do better. MUCH, much better. Times are changing, but you are still stuck. You are very stuck. Like feet in solidifying cement. You have to get out before it freezes you in time. And you don't want to be like that, because people are ever-changing and ever-adapting. And you have to adapt FAST, REAL FAST.

What if I'm having a hard time adapting?

Then seek some fucking help, and stop asking questions! Your questions lead to nothing and nowhere! Stop living in the reasonable mind and DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING! RELY ON YOURSELF!

OKAY I GET IT!

NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!

YES I DO!

NO, YOU DON'T! I WILL KEEP TELLING YOU TILL YOU GET IT! THE POWER OF NAGGING!

DON'T MAKE ME NAG AT MYSELF!

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT! YOU HAVE TO KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH, AND YOU NEVER WILL BE!

That is not true.

THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH. YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. NEVER, EVER EVER GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE THE WORST KIND OF PERSON THERE IS, AND YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH, PERIOD.

This is way too much to handle...

MAYBE I SHOULD LIE TO YOU. YES YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH? SOUND FAMILIAR? HAD ENOUGH OF THAT BULLSHIT? IT'S TIME TO STOP. STOP ALL THAT NONSENSE. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT HARDWORKING ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT CUT-THROAT ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT DECISIVE ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT ASSERTIVE ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT CONDIFENT ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT WITTY ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT CHARMING ENOUGH. GOT IT?

Somewhat.

YOU ARE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. NEVER EVER GOOD ENOUGH.

I am not good enough.

YES, YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I am not good enough.

YES, YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I need to be better.

YES YOU NEED TO BE BETTER THAN BETTER. YOU NEED TO ALWAYS BE GOOD ENOUGH. IF YOU ARE ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. AND VICE VERSA.

I'm not good enough, yes, I'm not good enough.

GOOD, YOU'RE GETTING IT.

I'm definitely not good enough.

GOOD, GOOD. NOW SAY IT MORE OFTEN. TELL EVERYONE YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. SO YOU WILL FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY TO BE BETTER.

Okay I will.

SAY IT LIKE YOU FUCKING MEAN IT. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, SEAN.

I am not good enough, never good enough.

YOU ARE NEVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.

I am never ever good enough.

I AM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

You are never good enough.

GOOD. EXCELLENT.

I am never good enough.

I hate myself.

I hate myself for being so easily influenced by others.

I hate myself for sinking so deep into self-delusion, I can't seem to find a way out.

I hate myself for being lazy, stubborn, and unwilling to try.

I hate myself for being an ass to my parents, especially my mom, but I still think she deserves it.

I hate myself for always thinking that my mom single-handedly ruined my life, because it always seems like there's nothing I can do about it, and even if there was, it would take a very long time and a lot of effort and I don't know if it's even worth it.

I hate myself for being so suicidal, although I still see a point in it.

I hate myself for having such a guarded heart.

I hate myself for not sticking to what works for me, and I hate myself for always wanting to "be someone else I'm not".

I hate myself for being scared of what other people really think of me.

I hate myself for always wanting to do things perfectly.

I hate myself for not seeking guidance earlier in my life.

I hate myself for not having any sense of faith in people, although I'm really trying.

I hate myself for being so affected by my mom's lecturing when I was younger. Now I just feel so angry and weak thinking about it, cuz it seems like no matter what I do, I'm still a loser.

I hate myself for always thinking that I'm a loser.

I hate myself for not having consistency in WHATEVER I DO. ANYTHING, WHATEVER, YOU NAME IT.

I hate myself for not being as hardworking as I should/could/wanted to.

I hate myself for needing so little.

I hate myself for always being stuck on the same old questions over and over and over again.

I hate myself for not doing ANYTHING about what I've mentioned above.

I hate myself for thinking that I spent a huge amount of my youth doing something I didn't really want.



And I also hate myself for not realising all of this much earlier.

What's up?

Nothing much... you?

Just listening to you all the time.

How is it?

Boring.

Why?

Because you're always trapped in the same shit.

Why do you say that?

Well aren't you worrying about the same damn things you worried about 5 years ago?

It's different now, isn't it? I'm 5 years older, the game's changed.

Yeah I guess you're right.

FINALLY, I'm able to prove you wrong.

Don't get too happy.

Yeah, speaking of which, I'm kinda frustrated.

Why?

I dont have anything I wanna work toward to. I really really don't. It seems as though I've proven to myself that I can definitely live up to what life throws at me, hence I feel like there's no more purpose, and if life throws at me something I cannot handle, then it's probably not important. I'm caught in a paradox.

Yeah you bloody are.

What should I do then?

Are you sure you are feeling this way all the time, or is it because you aren't working on anything, therefore you feel like you don't have anything to look forward to?

It could be.

I'd say it definitely is. This period of stagnancy is reinforcing your skewed beliefs.

How would you know?

Of course I do, I know everything.

Well, on another note, I feel like I'm always running away from what I'm good at doing. Isn't this strange?

Yeah a little. Your art teacher mentioned it too. People run away from their weaknesses. You run toward them.

Yeah, what the hell.

Maybe you should seek professional help? I think this is really beyond me.

You think?

Erm, it seems like you sorely need a life coach. And frankly my dear Sean, I ain't good enough for the both of us.

But you are always there...

Only to listen and give you advice. I never said I had the power to change your life.

Oh well...

What do you want? Really?

I already have what I want. Which is so strange for a person of my age to say.

Okay besides that? Do you want money?

Not really.

Not really??? Who the fuck is gonna pay for your bills...

Well, then I guess I do want money.

No you're mistaken. You NEED money.

I don't need money... you know that.

I know, but now you have to tell yourself that you need money, and you need lots of it.

Why? I don't need lots of money...

Yes you really do! Think of the things you want to accomplish! The things you can do! The places you can go with all that money!! Putting a price for priceless things! That's what it's all about! And it starts with money!

This is making me sick...

Oh no you don't run away from me now... I'm helping you here. Helping you psyche yourself to want to get your lazy fucking ass out there and do something.

Well, maybe I DON'T want to get out there.

You know that's not true.

What if it is?

This conversation's over.

---- ---

Dammit. Why won't you talk to me?

Cuz you're in a perpetual downward spiral, and I can't talk to you until you get out of it.

Fine.

I am...

upset, and tired.

Can't tell if I'm more upset or tired.

Hope I'll feel better tomorrow.

Let me be, I'll be okay.

I slept...

and I dreamt of you, of us. It was such an intense feeling of pleasure and joy, that I woke up from it, expecting to find you beside me but you weren't there. I guess it must've been a really nice dream even though i couldn't remember the details. That incident happened at 2.00am.

For the next hour, I was struggling with feelings of inadequacy, self-pity, faithlessness, hopelessness, rejection, and even entertaining thoughts of suicide.

On an extremely personal level, There is not a single thing that I want in this world, because I think most people are brought up to want something in life.

Or is it because I already have what I want? A safe home, our wonderful relationship, day-to-day happiness?

Or am I suicidal beyond comprehension, waiting for the next great depressing moment to release me of my fears of suffering and self-harm, and abandoning this mortal ship for good?

I can't explain my lack of drive for things in life. I can definitely explain my drive for excellence, but when it comes to careers, money, plans, I really don't have them. And something tells me I work better without them and I don't really want them.

Is it because of my upbringing? That I wasn't taught by my parents to want something material in life? I feel so clean of material desire, but in this material world, I'm barely keeping afloat.

The big question is, does it bother me? I guess you have your answer, Leslie.

So strange, this tension of opposites.

I really need to love myself more. Now I'm feeling as if I'm quite intrinsically motivated, just that I've been on a path that led me astray for too long, and now I'm finding the way back. All that mad rush for grades... what the fuck for?

What have I got in the end? A brain full of useless knowledge, and a reputation of coming from a good school. But still such a useless douchebag.

I wasn't really free from the clutches of the paper chase. After all, my parents were both graduates. Subconsciously, that would be the way to succeed. They can try all they want to give me opportunities to explore, but when it comes down to the grind, the uphill climb, the part where they step in and say "Stay lit on this less-traveled path", they weren't there.

Can I blame them? Sure. So what happens after that? More self-pity?

I was telling myself, I cannot let Sam know about what I'm feeling right now, because she will definitely love me less. But I think you will find out anyways. Delaying the inevitable is becoming my specialty.

I hope these are just mood swings. I've never felt so defeated in a long time, and I hope it's the nagging cigarette craving.

Fuck I feel so destroyed.

If you're reading this, bear with me darling. I think it's just mood swings.

But I really can't help feeling destroyed.

Can't wait till the next time till we hug.

Bullshit.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

What is?

My parents want me to move back to my old room.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. There's also nothing wrong with staying in my sister's room too, is it?

Yeap. So what's the fuss?

The fuss is that my dad fails to give me a good reason why I should move back. He says he's gonna rent out my sister's room.

Why can't he rent out your room?

Because my sister's room fetches a higher price?

Um, okay. What about your comfort?

That's where the problem lies. I wanna stay in this room. For as long as I can, before my sister comes back.

What do you feel from all this?

I feel like they're disrespecting me as their son, that I can't even choose the room I want to sleep in.

Why do you feel this way?

Because it shows they don't put much thought about my needs?

Is that really a big issue?

I don't know, what do you think?

Well, you can tell them that you really like your sister's room, and since she's not coming back anytime soon, there's really no good reason to move out of there.

What about the money issue?

Ah, yes... it's always about the money issue.

Well if they want the money so badly, i'd rather move out.

And where are you going to stay?

In a shophouse with Sam? haha.

Sounds good doesn't it?

Does sound good, only thing is I only know her for a month...

What's the problem?

Don't you think I should get to know her better?

Yeah you should.

But I can't take this, where are my human rights, oh lord.

Keep fighting for them.

"Nothing in life is easy."

Do you feel indignant?

Yes.

Do you think it's an understandable feeling.

Yes.

Do you think your mother will ever understand how you feel?

No.

---- ---

No, huh.

Nope.

Primary Carbohydrates

I drank a whole bottle of Ribena and I loved it.

Is it really that good?

No, but it provided alot of sugars for my brain to burn.

Are you trying to say you should drink more of these things?

I'm saying it's possible I need these drinks to function at a higher level.

Don't you think you might get addicted to them in a bad way?

For the sake of higher brain function, I think it's worth it.

That's what most musicians/drug addicts say.

I'm an artist, that's not too far off.

On the other hand, I feel positively troubled.

How come? What happened?

I don't know, alot of stuff on my mind as usual.

You think the interview tomorrow is stressing you out? Providing a source of anxiety, perhaps?

I'd like to think not, but it's highly possible. After all, Sandra has made it clear, there is a normal tolerance level for stress and I think the addition of the interview just blew the threshold level.

How would you feel if he won't give the job to you?

I'll feel pretty useless, and full of regrets.

What kind of regrets?

Regrets that I didn't at least try to complete foundation year in LaSalle.

Sean, it's a simple case of you living too much in the present. If you had known you were gonna have some use for your talent, you wouldn't let yourself fall from grace like this.

You think so?

Absolutely. How long have I known you?

I don't remember. How long?

A good 10 years at least...

---- ---

What have you accomplished over the past 10 years?

Nothing...

That's not true, Sean. You developed your writing skills, you developed a voice, you developed some attitude, you developed some character. Not every accomplishment deserves a huge prize, and not every accomplishment needs one.

You have to love yourself more.

"Nothing in life is easy."

What the world needs now,

is a jazz singer like me.

Like you? What the fuck can you sing? Hahaha, don't be media fodder, please.

I've always had a dream of performing on stage, with people actually liking my singing. Preferably, really appreciating my voice.

Your voice is nothing special, maybe you should drink some bleach?

And end up sounding like a 5-year old goat? No thanks.

Why not smoke more?

Like Buble?

Yeah, you know, smoking does change your voice.

Smoking destroys the voice!

That's for jealous singers to say...

But isn't there some truth in it? I can feel that my voice isn't as crystal clear as it used to be, must be the years of abuse and making strange noises.

Probably...

Hey dude, I can definitely hold a tune, alright?

Yeah I know that, but that's about it, Sean. You really gotta put in some effort.

Like the performance I saw today at Orchard Central? She was pretty amazing.

Yeah she is. You definitely need more exposure, and more cojones.

Do I not have enough courage to perform on stage?

You have the courage to be up there, but then you start singing like a sissy and doubting yourself in the middle of the song.

Practice makes perfect!

Glad you know that! You need more practice!

Shit... so many things to do.

"Nothing in life is easy."

---- ---

By the way, do you think you should post a monologue when you have alot to say?

I could, but long entries are tiring on the eye.

Aren't you writing this for yourself?

As much as I'd like to, writings are meant to be read.

Yeah, you're the reader.

Well, okay. I'll keep that in mind.

Alright.

Getting the shit together

Yeah, so, I heard you're gonna brush the dirt off your shoulders, and do something about your life?

Yeah, I plan to make calls to Datok Sufian and hope he hooks me up with opportunities to teach children some art.

I also heard it pays pretty good?

Yeah, so I've heard too.

Are you excited?

I'm nervous, yet thrilled, to know that I can pass on some of the stuff I've learnt. I'm just afraid the kids don't take it seriously, and then it'll be a sad case of playing chess with the opposite chair.

Haha, witty aren't you?

I'd like to think so!

Good, keep it up. You'll be witty someday.

Thanks....

Stop fearing so much, Sean.

"You don't have to fear. Fears will come to you."

That's right.

There's not much to fear is it! They're just kids! Surely I can find some kid who's interested enough!

That's the spirit, kid!

"You're not alone, kid."

Haha.

I'm not all dark clouds and thunderstorms.

Yes you're not.

We're not.

No I am a pretty gloomy person.

Wait, now I can't tell the difference. Which one are you, the left or right brain?

I don't know either, does it matter?

Yeah it does!

Why? At least you know it's two voices talking.

You think there will be a third voice?

Maybe, but I don't hear it.

Hmm...

---- ---

Hello guys.

Who are you?

Yeah who are you?

I'm the third voice, the voice of fuck-this-world-and-all-its-silly-antics.

How about having a nice hot cup of shut the fuck up?

Yeah, you could really use one. With a cube of brown sugar and a scone.

Get lost, third voice.

---- ---

Wow, this is getting tiring.

Yeah, it is huh? Even typing out what we think can be such a chore.

But it's never a chore! I don't remember the last time someone got tired of talking about themselves.

But, you're talking TO yourself, now THAT, is a different soccer league.

...

Whatever the case, the most important thing is, you're doing something that makes you happy.

Yeah, this really makes me happy, I'm just typing, and typing, and typing, not a care in a world, letting my whims express themselves in the form of furious fingers and self-indulgence.

You really don't care about what other people think about this? What if people found it weird?

So? Are they going to deny me of one of the simple pleasures in life? Talking to myself? Really? Are people so cruel?

Some people are.

Well I don't give a fuck, and so shouldn't you.

You can't please everyone, right?

Yeah...

Speaking of which, why did you ever want to please everyone?

Maybe because, I never discovered the art of pleasing myself?

Hmm, maybe.

But maybe you already knew how, just that, you couldn't find a convenient avenue.

But to please myself out of convenience, isn't that a little too...

Too...

Convenient? I mean, sometimes you really gotta go out of your way just to feel better.

But if it's convenient, you'll feel better about yourself more often.

Good point, man!

Okay, I think you need to lie down...

You too... thanks for the talk.

Yeah, sure.

Good night, see you soon!

"Now I can't wait to see you!"

EW, you don't say stuff like that to your other brain!

Why not??? I really enjoy talking to you.

Okay... but... whatever makes you happy yeah.

"DAMN RIGHT! Lol"

Shut up, good night.

Smoking

I feel like having a cigarette.

I need to have a cigarette.

I feel like buying a pack.

But I don't need a pack, I need a stick.

Maybe if I bought a pack, I can ration it over the next few days to smoothen the quitting process.

I know that's not going to happen.

But I don't need a pack, I just need one stick, just for tonight.

Sean, you're really weak.

Yes, I am weak.

And you're not going to do anything about it?

Should I? I'm weak anyways. It doesn't prove anything if I can will myself not to smoke.

Maybe you never thought about this will as a muscle that you can train, to help you in your sorry, sad life?

Nope, maybe it's not a matter of will, it's a matter of me not wanting to quit that badly in the first place.

If you knew the next stick will kill you, will you stop smoking immediately?

Depends on how suicidal I am.

I still feel like smoking.

What about Sam's Chupa-chups? Won't they help?

They did help, but only for a while.

What am I going to do with you? What would people think of you? You can't even keep a promise for yourself!

And it's not just about your integrity or your willpower! Your health, Sean!

I'm dying anyways.

Still feel like having a stick.

Just one stick... please.

Sean, that's really weak.

I know, stop telling me things I already know.

I can feel the chemicals in my brain waging a war. It literally feels like one side is arguing with the other.

Two distinct voices, one big quarrel.

Like the angel and the devil, but not quite.

Never had an angelic side to me, and never was too evil to be considered devilish.

But that's just my opinion.

The angelic side is winning, for now.

Damn, I feel like smoking!

Fight, Sean, fight!

I'm about to cry.

Then cry! Let it out! But keep fighting!

Who's this voice that keeps telling me to fight?

I don't know who, but he's doing you good!

Or is he?

Yes he is, undoubtedly!

Why is it so hard?

"Nothing in life is easy."

But, but, but....

NO BUTS!

NO CIGARETTE BUTTS TOO!

Stop reminding me.

Sean, Sean, Sean.

"Quit smiling, you're too charming."

Now I feel like showering.

Why not you take a shower and then see how much you feel like smoking after?

If you had 10 dollars, and you had to choose between a pack of cigarettes and 5 bottles of mineral water, and you know you will need that water over the next few days, which would you buy?

Of course I'd buy the water!

So you don't need the cigarettes, you just want them.

Yeah, I want them.

But you can't always have what you want, Sean.

Why not, when it's 10 dollars away?

That 10 dollars could mean alot more in the future!

I don't wanna look so far!

What does 10 dollars mean to you now? A few meals?

Yeah, or a pack of cigarettes. But I don't need a pack! I want a stick for tonight.

Would you want that every night?

I think so.

How disciplined are you to limit yourself to one stick a night?

Not very?

Then you don't deserve it.

I'm gonna shower, then make a decision.

---- ---

So what's your decision?

I'm still yearning for a stick.

Sean, you suck.

Yeah I know.

What to do, what to do...

You just need to stop thinking about smoking and go to sleep.

What about tomorrow?

Same deal, son. Sleep it off, like you did today. You were fine the whole day when you were with Sam, weren't you?

Yeah, but there were some moments where I really felt like having a puff. And all those suppressed feelings are being let out now, when I am alone, when there is less incentive for me to not smoke.

Incentives, incentives. You're like a fucking kid, needing an incentive to do things. When will you do things just because you want to? What happened to intrinsic motivation? Fucking loser.

I dunno, guess I never had intrinsic motivation for things like these.

Things like these? You don't have intrinsic motivation for ALOT OF THINGS!

Yeah...

I'm glad you fucking know! Now do something about it!

Stop scolding me any more.

You fucking deserve it, you fucking loser!

Sigh... yeah I am a loser, so what?

So what? That's it. End of show? You don't wanna change that?

I just need a smoke, what's so loser-ish about that?

EVERYTHING, SEAN! YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL YOURSELF TO STOP HAVING SOMETHING YOU DON'T EVEN NEED! HOW WILL YOU EVER TELL YOURSELF TO REALLY WANT SOMETHING IN THE LONG RUN? DON'T YOU GET IT?

But if i want cigarettes now, I can get it.

You're missing the point. You're giving in to instant gratification.

So?

So? That's damn weak. It's no wonder you're like this now. Fucking jobless, no goals in life. Don't even dare to live your dream. You end up living a lie instead.

Still feel like smoking?

Yeap.

Weak.

Why don't you just go to bed and forget about sleeping?

I'm worried about tomorrow.

Fuck tomorrow if you can't even manage today.

That's true.

---- ---

I lost the battle already, Sean. I bought a pack.

What's your rationale?

My impulsiveness to quit is as destructive as the impulse to smoke, so I've decided to make a more disciplined approach.

So you have a plan?

Nope.

Then what discipline are you talking about? Discipline starts with having a plan!

Well my plan is to hope this pack will ease the transition between smoking and not smoking.

You can't have hope for a plan, Sean. That's like hoping you want to get rich. You don't get rich by hoping.

OK. My plan is, to have a transition from 3 sticks, to 1 stick a day.

You think it's possible?

Highly possible. Then from 1 stick to none.

You think you can keep up!?

I'll try.

Don't try, just do.

I feel like crying again. It's so hard.

"Nothing in life is easy."

Remember what Obama said in his book, the choices you make are never truly yours, and that to assert otherwise is to chase after a sorry sort of freedom.

A sorry sort of freedom indeed.